Thoughts of a Stay-at-Home Mom...

by Michele L. Mueller on 11/30/11

I need to vent so if you plan to read any further you might want to sit down IF you're standing, that is. I feel this is going to be anything BUT quick.

Being in the workplace since I graduated from high school taught me many things. One lesson in particular was taught to me by an old friend who I love very much, and an ex-boss, who was (and still is) a mother of three and a full time professional.

Being single and childless myself, I found it very interesting to listen to my friend talk about trying to juggle a full-time job AND trying to be there for her children and husband. I remember often thinking that I needed to pay attention to what she was saying incase I needed to refer back to it someday in my own future family-life...like 20/20 vision, I guess.

I remember her sharing her feelings about how she felt sometimes those stay-at-home moms she knew were tossing little "digs" her way about not being there for her children ALL the time. It hurt her and it was no secret between us that she longed to be a stay-at-home mom, too. But...times being such...it wasn't possible for her...two incomes were better than one (as many of us can relate to). I always felt bad for her. Why would anyone make a "dig" towards a mom who wanted it all, or needed to try and do it all? Not everyone has a ton of money. She was doing the best she could and frankly...that's all ANY of us could do. She was doing what she needed to do and her kids didn't seem "any worse for the wear" in my opinion. In fact, her children would have made any parent proud.

When my husband and I became pregnant (I was 38 yrs. old), I was working full-time and had since I graduated from high school. Many of my co-workers at the time(including this friend/boss) asked me if I planned to return to work after our baby was born. My answer was ALWAYS a chuckle and, "Yes! We didn't win the lottery we just got pregnant!". I was used to having my own paycheck and having a purpose to get my ass out of bed and get moving in the morning, too. In addition, for most of my time there I loved my job and couldn't see myself working anywhere else.

I knew, based on what I learned from listening to my friend, it wouldn't be easy. I would need to prepare myself for those stay-at-home mom "digs", daycare issues (quality, expense, location, etc.) and of course, dealing with my own possible guilt of not being home with my child 24/7.

And then...IT happened. Complete surprise. Caught me 100% off guard. Where did THIS come from? A new little baby boy was swaddled in my arms while tears ran down my face from the thought of having to leave him soon, leave him in the care of...of...of WHO?...who am I going to leave him with? Not family (we have none around here!), not friends (I don't know anyone who does daycare!), the only answer left...a stranger?! I wouldn't even leave my diamond ring with a stranger much less my BABY! How could I?! Well...I couldn't. I resigned my position, I cleaned out my desk and hurried back home. And so, my days of being a "stay-at-home mom" began.

Well, guess what? Those "digs" and that guilt?...their over here on the "grass is always greener" side, too. I learned, the grass isn't greener, it's just a different kind of grass so it only LOOKS greener. What I mean is this...instead of guilt from being AWAY at work, I have guilt of NOT being away at work, not bringing home a paycheck or providing insurance coverage and not financially contributing to my family. Instead of hearing "digs" from stay-at-home moms I deal with "digs" from those who work full-time or even part-time...as IF it has NOTHING to do with the raising of our son and everything to do with being lazy or wanting to take advantage of a situation. Of course, they would never actually SAY those words that but it's definately implied.  Or...to give them the benefit of the doubt...maybe I'm projecting my own guilt on to them...I don't know. But I do know...it hurts.

And so...a working mom or a stay-at-home mom both deal with some of the same hurtful issues: guilt and judgement...damned if ya do and damned if ya don't...sometimes by other women and sometimes by your husband or family, in some cases. And to this I feel I can speak for some mothers working full-time outside the home and some of us mothers working full-time inside the home:

Don't judge us because of our choices. We do what we believe to be best for OUR families. We raise our child(ren) the best we can, with love and care and all the time we can give. Don't make us feel guilty because of what we do or who we've become. Remember, we weren't always  moms but now...no matter where we are or what we're doing, home or not, we always WILL be  moms and THAT is where our hearts are.We love our child(ren) and realize there will be a day when they are on this earth without us. We are working to prepare them for that day and all the days inbetween. Let us do our "job" without your judgement. For this is the "job" we chose and we don't need you to agree with that choice but it would be nice if you would respect it. Please and thank you.

Sincerely,

Matthew's Mommy (and any other mom who can relate)